ENTRY #38: A FAMILY LEGEND

Picture a man older than sin. Now picture that person in overalls with a cigarette hanging out his mouth; mix in a shotgun, a big scary house, and dogs . . . lots of maniacal dogs. Add them together and you get the cruelest, most ruthless villain to ever take part in the history of the Stone family: Andy Anderson.

The name Anderson sends chills up and down the spines of all the Stone family progenitors. He was without doubt the oldest, most callous man alive. No one knew what his secret to longevity was. The word on the street was that he had made a pact with the Devil. We didn’t know, but anyone that mean had to be somehow related to the devil . . . a distant cousin, maybe.
He was ugly enough to make paint peel and more ill tempered than a badger on a bad day. The lips covering his toothless mouth were carved permanently downward, as if gravity were the cause of his eternal frown. Beady, bloodshot eyes darted back and forth in his bony face, and the only thing blacker than the soot on his unwashed hands was the freezing piece of coal in his chest where his heart should have been.

Anderson derived some kind of sadistic pleasure from making other’s lives miserable. He would leave his water on to flood my grandparent’s house, curse and swear at my grandma as she worked in the garden, and hide in the shadows of his porch pointing his shotgun at us while we played outside. Then, he would laugh—an insane, raspy sort of laugh that sounded as if he were choking.

The only person I knew that wasn’t intimidated by Anderson was Jason. Jason was my cousin and best friend; he was also the toughest kid I knew. Reared on a farm in Hooper, Utah, his entire life he had bailed hay, roped cattle, and rode horses. He was a force to be reckoned with, even at such a young age. Nothing and no one could scare Jason.

One hot summer afternoon, the entire family was having a BBQ in my grandparent’s backyard. In the waning sunlight Jason pulled out his new treasure: a real leather football. It smelled wonderful, and immediately we were getting ready to play catch.
It was common knowledge there was an inherent risk to playing catch in that backyard. Countless Frisbees, footballs, soccer balls, and other “throwable” items were lost over the barbed-wire fence separating Anderson’s yard from my grandparent’s. Once over the fence, they were gone forever—dog fodder, as my Dad used to say.

To make matters worse, those who dared to take one step in Anderson’s yard were faced with certain death: either he’d sick his ferocious animals on you or he’d get the shotgun. No one was certain how many children had died trying to retrieve their toys, but we were all sure that the number was in the hundreds. Even with this knowledge, the mere thought of tossing the “ol’ pigskin” around was far too much temptation for two young boys to handle. The game was on.

Oh! Those first few throws felt glorious! The leather was so soft; the spirals so perfect! It felt like throwing a nice, soft—
What? A hail-Mary pass? Are you sure? It’s fourth and eight with only ten seconds on the clock? Maybe you should throw it— You want me to? Me? How ‘bout I run, and you throw— Ok. I’ll throw. Ready? DOWN . . . SET . . . HIKE!

Jason shot into motion and I dropped back a few steps preparing to pass. The invisible defense was coming at us hard; I was almost sacked at the line of scrimmage and Jason was forced to run a new route: instead of turning towards the plum tree, he veered left towards the barbed-wire fence. Just at that moment, the invisible defensive-end hit me hard, causing me to throw off balance. Like a wounded duck, the pass slowly lifted in the air, wobbled a little, then dropped smack dab in the middle of Anderson’s backyard.

We looked on in horror, knowing that any moment a pack of rabid wolf-dogs would come charging out and destroy Jason’s beautiful new ball. Then he did the unthinkable—he jumped the fence. Now, I stood alone looking on in horror, knowing that any moment a pack of rabid wolf-dogs would come charging out and eat my cousin.

Jason was frantically looking through the tall weeds to find the ball. At that very moment, the bloodcurdling bark of an infuriated canine shattered the evening stillness. With no time to lose, Jason grabbed his ball and leapt for the fence.
The barking drew closer.

I frantically looked for the dog, but I couldn’t see. Sweat was in my eyes and my heart was beating too fast. Jason’s face reflected pure and utter terror. He rushed to the fence, threw the ball over, and—

My dad came out from hiding. With tears of laughter streaming from his eyes, he said, “I’ve never seen two boys move so fast!” The rabid dog was my father.

Jason scrambled over the fence, then stood there looking happy to be alive. Even though we didn’t see a clash of the titans between Jason and Anderson, that day will forever be etched in history. That was the day the myths were proven wrong. That was the day the “idea” of Anderson was shattered. Jason may not have stood face-to-face with the meanest man alive, but he did what no other child had ever done. He had entered Anderson’s yard and made it back alive—unscathed, even. From that time forth, Jason became the only child we knew of that had successfully entered the yard of the cruelest, most ruthless villain to ever take part in the history of the Stone family, and lived to tell about it.

Journal Entries

One of the greatest classes I have ever taken was my English Composition class for my master's degree, taught by my mentor Richard Finks in the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara. One of our major assignments was to write 40 different essays on a number of different subjects, each with the purpose of helping us "stretch our writing muscles." I will periodically post some of these journal entries, 1) because they took a lot of time to write and I like them, and 2) they are like little windows into my life, showing inner feelings, wants, and needs. I hope you enjoy them!

The First Book of Ryan (Christmas Letter 2007)

An account recorded by Ryan, son of Marc and Lanae, concerning the great blessings he and his wife have received in the two thousand and seventh year since the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

1. And it came to pass that I Ryan, son of Marc, did begin my epistle in the twelfth month of the seventh year of the reign of Bush. And I did write my epistle on digital plates in the language of my father with the purpose of sending a Christmas record to family and friends.

2. Now behold, in the sixth year of the reign of the Bush administration, a sign was seen by all men, for pigs did fly. Wherefore it did come to pass that I did wed Yunuen, my beautiful Lamanite princess, and we did tarry in the land of her fathers for some time. And behold, we did travel to diverse places and did see and do many wondrous things, such as voyaging to Guanajuato to see the morbid mummies, and to the great City of Mexico where we did eat a milanesa sandwich that was exceedingly scrumptious. And we did also travel to Puerto Vallarta on a sweet action deal to stay at a resort for a few days. And it was inexpensive. And we did enjoy our stay exceedingly much.

3. And it came to bass that I did graduate from my master’s classes and did begin to send forth documents proclaiming my need for employment. Nevertheless, Yunuen and I heard from no one, and we were sore afraid for my school loans were threatening to overthrow our bank account. And lo, Yunuen did continue to remind me to pray with faith that we might be blessed with a great blessing.

4. And it came to pass that the Lord heard our prayers, and a job fell like manna from the heavens. And the job was to be a medical interpreter at Primary Children’s Medical Center, which was much to my liking. And the job was good.

5. Therefore, I did pack our things, and journeyed in my car for the space of three days. And despite the superiority in performance of my vehicle, I did arrive to the land of mine inheritance with an exceedingly sore bum.

6. And it came to pass that Yuni did leave behind the land of her fathers, and flew up to Utah a month later. But lo, it did so happen that the immigrationofficerites did conspire against us, and did barre her from entering the Land of Deseret. But behold, the Lord did soften their hearts, and they did let her pass. And I did call them jerks for the space of many months.

7. And now, it did become necessary for us to make a secret combination with a Gadianton Lawyer who agreed to bring our case before the immigrationofficerites. And behold, there was a great battle, insomuch that the ground was soaked by the amount of ink used to print all our immigration forms. And Uncle Sam did gather all of our money, and he did use it to buy exceedingly expensive toilet seats.

8. Now it came to pass that Yuni and I did pray night and day that the Lord would bless us with her residency, for we knew we had broken no laws and that our purpose was just. And the day did come when we stood before one of the chief judges of the immigrationofficerites, and we did find favor in his sight, insomuch that he did grant her free passage into this land for as long as she lives. And we did eat, drink, and make merry. Now behold, that last sentence was a joke.

9. And it came to pass that a few days thereafter Yuni did find employment in the land of Wells Fargo as a moneychanger and did practice speaking the language of my fathers. And lo, she did also give service in the Ronald McDonald Charity House, wherefore she was kept exceedingly busy.

10. And it also came to pass that Yuni was called as a second councilor in the primary, which did make her happy because of her love for children. And she did cook exceedingly well, wherefore I became large in stature.

11. And I was called as a ward clerk, which did make me exceedingly happy because I did long to be the man who walks up and down the church aisles with the clicker-thing. But behold, our branch president did inform me that there is no clicker-thing. And I wept.

12. And now, as the time comes to close my epistle, I do say unto you mine brethren and sistren, and unclesren and auntsren, and grandparentsren and cousinsren, and friendsren—remember. Remember, remember that we love you and think about you and wish you a very Merry Christmas!

Best Quarterback of All Time?

I listen to sports radio for two reasons: 1. I like sports, 2. I don't like listening to music stations.  The last two weeks I have been mildly annoyed by all the analysts and fans that have been calling Tom Brady "the best quarterback ever." Don't get me wrong, I think he's a great quarterback. This season he broke a number of records that were nothing short than amazing, plus he's won three Super Bowls and has three Super Bowl MVP Awards. He is, without doubt, a great quarterback. But, is he the best ever?

Whatever happened to Joe Montana, John Elway, Dan Marino, and Terry Bradshaw, just to name a few? What about Peyton Manning, a quarterback who has put up impressive numbers without having the amazing front five that Brady has? And what about my favorite quarterback of all time, Brett Favre?

In this last year, Favre became the most accomplished quarterback of all time. In the NFL, he holds the record for career passing yards, career passing attempts, career completions, career touchdown passes, career wins as a starting quarterback, and is second in consecutive games started.  For the Packers he holds the records for career games played, career passing yards, career passing attempts, career completions, and career touchdown passes, thus becoming the most accomplished quarterback in Green Bay history.

Some people argue, "He is also the career leader in interceptions!"  Yeah, and Babe Ruth led his era in strike-outs.  Does that take away the fact that he was one of the greatest home-run hitters of all time?  Not at all.  

My argument: Brady is good, but he is not the best.  Will he be labeled the best by some?  Certainly.  Will he forever be remembered among the greats?  No doubt.  Is he the greatest quarterback of all time?  Not in my opinion. 

I LOVE FOOTBALL!!

Football is my family's sport. On my mom's side of the family, my grandpa, uncles, and cousins all played football. In high school, I played. It is a sport that runs deep in our veins and there isn't a bigger football fan out there than my mom. She used to attend her brother's football games and never missed one of mine. I love seeing her get into a game, and the best part is she has a deep understanding of the way football is played!

The Green Bay Packers have been my team ever since I was little; once again, thanks to my mom. She used to tell me stories about my uncle Devon, when he played at BYU, and how he was offered to play for Green Bay. Due to his family situation and a shoulder injury, he decided to continue his education and get a master's degree in civil engineering instead of helping the Pack become an even more dominant team. Needless to say, from that time forward, my mom was a Green Bay fan.

I was disappointed they lost to the Giants in the NFC championship. Favre was rocking all year long until that game. I decided I would rather clean my bathroom with my tongue than see the Patriots win the Super Bowl. So, in the Super Bowl I was all for the Giants.

I must say, this Super Bowl was absolutely amazing! The hype, the records, the perfect season, the pressure, the dynasty, the Mannings . . . everything came together to make this one of the most highly anticipated games of the decade . . . maybe of the CENTURY! What made it even better was the pride--everyone from fans to sports analysts were choosing the Patriots as the new world champions. It makes you wonder if these guys ever rented or watched the Might Ducks trilogy?

I'm sure the Giants spent the last two weeks carefully analyzing movies like The Mighty Ducks, Kicking and Screaming, Rudy, Remember the Titans, and Miracle. They were underdogs in every sense of the word! The Patriots oozed confidence, and you could see that most of them were already envisioning themselves as the only team to win 19 games in one season. Overconfidence killed the Pats.

Super Bowl XLII was one of the best defensive games I have ever seen. The Giants stopped Tom Brady, a man that was being touted as "the best quarterback ever" by countless fans and analysts, and neutralized the NFL's highest scoring offense. What was witnessed by all was what I like to call "The Mighty Ducks Factor."

The moment the Patriots scored with 2:40 left to play, putting them ahead of the Giants, they lost. In their minds they had won, but there was so much time left to play. The following two minutes showed an underdog team pull together (with the help of a miracle or two) to slay the mighty Patriots! Manning, who has dealt with comparisons to his older brother his entire career, won a Super Bowl and the MVP trophy, putting him right next to his brother in the winner's circle. However, while Manning played the game of his life, I felt like the real MVP's were the defensive linemen.

Many people are angry or disappointed by the outcome. For me, it's the reason why I love sports.

It was a great game, and I feel very happy for the Giants.

President Hinckley's Viewing

Yunuen and I had the opportunity to go to President Hinckley's viewing yesterday. My boss helped me by switching schedules with me so I was able to get off early. I flew by, picked Yuni up, and we walked from our apartment to the Conference Center.

I couldn't believe how many people were there, or how many people arrived while we were waiting in one of the many lines that had formed outside. After a while they started letting us into the main auditorium to get out of the cold, and then row by row, took us to the third floor where President Hinckley's coffin was being kept.

As we were walking toward the open foyer where his open casket was on display, I began to feel an amazing feeling of peace and tranquility. The casket was decorated beautifully with flower arrangements; however, there was nothing Gaudi or flashy. Everything was very humble, very respectful, and very simple. The prophet's body was dressed in white, his facial features gaunt and sunken. Spectators wiped tears, smiled, paused by his coffin, and looked on his earthly remains with contemplative silence.

Yuni stood and looked upon President Hinckley with grateful eyes. She wiped a few tears from her eyes, and smiled up at me. I felt completely at peace, and felt the Spirit whisper to my heart, as it has many times in the past, that the church is true.

It was an unforgettable and precious experience.