The First Book of Ryan (Christmas Letter 2007)

An account recorded by Ryan, son of Marc and Lanae, concerning the great blessings he and his wife have received in the two thousand and seventh year since the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

1. And it came to pass that I Ryan, son of Marc, did begin my epistle in the twelfth month of the seventh year of the reign of Bush. And I did write my epistle on digital plates in the language of my father with the purpose of sending a Christmas record to family and friends.

2. Now behold, in the sixth year of the reign of the Bush administration, a sign was seen by all men, for pigs did fly. Wherefore it did come to pass that I did wed Yunuen, my beautiful Lamanite princess, and we did tarry in the land of her fathers for some time. And behold, we did travel to diverse places and did see and do many wondrous things, such as voyaging to Guanajuato to see the morbid mummies, and to the great City of Mexico where we did eat a milanesa sandwich that was exceedingly scrumptious. And we did also travel to Puerto Vallarta on a sweet action deal to stay at a resort for a few days. And it was inexpensive. And we did enjoy our stay exceedingly much.

3. And it came to bass that I did graduate from my master’s classes and did begin to send forth documents proclaiming my need for employment. Nevertheless, Yunuen and I heard from no one, and we were sore afraid for my school loans were threatening to overthrow our bank account. And lo, Yunuen did continue to remind me to pray with faith that we might be blessed with a great blessing.

4. And it came to pass that the Lord heard our prayers, and a job fell like manna from the heavens. And the job was to be a medical interpreter at Primary Children’s Medical Center, which was much to my liking. And the job was good.

5. Therefore, I did pack our things, and journeyed in my car for the space of three days. And despite the superiority in performance of my vehicle, I did arrive to the land of mine inheritance with an exceedingly sore bum.

6. And it came to pass that Yuni did leave behind the land of her fathers, and flew up to Utah a month later. But lo, it did so happen that the immigrationofficerites did conspire against us, and did barre her from entering the Land of Deseret. But behold, the Lord did soften their hearts, and they did let her pass. And I did call them jerks for the space of many months.

7. And now, it did become necessary for us to make a secret combination with a Gadianton Lawyer who agreed to bring our case before the immigrationofficerites. And behold, there was a great battle, insomuch that the ground was soaked by the amount of ink used to print all our immigration forms. And Uncle Sam did gather all of our money, and he did use it to buy exceedingly expensive toilet seats.

8. Now it came to pass that Yuni and I did pray night and day that the Lord would bless us with her residency, for we knew we had broken no laws and that our purpose was just. And the day did come when we stood before one of the chief judges of the immigrationofficerites, and we did find favor in his sight, insomuch that he did grant her free passage into this land for as long as she lives. And we did eat, drink, and make merry. Now behold, that last sentence was a joke.

9. And it came to pass that a few days thereafter Yuni did find employment in the land of Wells Fargo as a moneychanger and did practice speaking the language of my fathers. And lo, she did also give service in the Ronald McDonald Charity House, wherefore she was kept exceedingly busy.

10. And it also came to pass that Yuni was called as a second councilor in the primary, which did make her happy because of her love for children. And she did cook exceedingly well, wherefore I became large in stature.

11. And I was called as a ward clerk, which did make me exceedingly happy because I did long to be the man who walks up and down the church aisles with the clicker-thing. But behold, our branch president did inform me that there is no clicker-thing. And I wept.

12. And now, as the time comes to close my epistle, I do say unto you mine brethren and sistren, and unclesren and auntsren, and grandparentsren and cousinsren, and friendsren—remember. Remember, remember that we love you and think about you and wish you a very Merry Christmas!